Understanding Relationship OCD: Navigating the Pain of Ending a Relationship

Ending a relationship can be one of the most painful choices we make, even when we’re fairly certain that things aren’t working. For those living with Relationship OCD (often called ROCD), this decision can become even more complicated.

What is Relationship OCD?

ROCD is a subtype of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) characterized by intrusive doubts, fears, and compulsions that revolve around romantic relationships. Instead of clarifying feelings of dissatisfaction, ROCD often pushes us into cycles of uncertainty, over-analysis, and fear of making the “wrong” choices. Even when we feel deep down that a relationship isn’t a good fit, ROCD can make it extremely difficult to leave. Here are some ways ROCD might keep you stuck in a relationship longer than you want.

The Challenge of Seeking Certainty

Many of us feel we can’t commit to a choice until we are 100% sure. But in relationships, no external source of certainty exists. No one can tell you with absolute certainty that your feelings are correct, that your desire to leave is valid, or that now is the optimal time for a breakup. (Hint: it’s never a perfect time for a breakup, so maybe stop waiting for it.) Seeking certainty is one way that ROCD keeps us stuck because certainty can’t be found. This means we have to tolerate uncertainty—a skill that can be especially difficult for those with OCD.

The Trap of Endless Doubt

One hallmark feature of ROCD is constant doubt. As soon as a thought about breaking up enters our minds, so do dizzying counter-arguments. These doubts don’t just come and go like casual thoughts; instead, they can feel constant, intrusive, and demanding of our attention. You might feel certain that the relationship isn’t fulfilling, but the moment you think about leaving, you’re hit with spikes of doubt:

• “What if this is just me being in a bad mood?”

• “What if I just haven’t tried hard enough?”

• “What if this is just a rough patch?”

  
  

Identifying Normal Doubts vs. OCD Doubts

Here’s how to distinguish between normal doubts and those driven by OCD:

1. OCD doubts never cease, no matter how much we try to reason with them.

2. They will double down until they become gaslighty. OCD doesn’t care about fairness or reasonableness; it only cares about instilling doubt. Here are some examples:

   
   

• “What if I just think I want to break up, but as soon as I do, I’ll regret it?”

• “What if I don’t actually want to break up? It just always feels like I do?”

• “Just because I think we should break up and feel like we should break up doesn’t mean we should, like, break up!”

  
  

To add more weight to these doubts, catastrophes often come rushing in:

• “What if I never find anyone else?”

• “What if I regret it forever?”

• “What if this messes up my life irreparably, triggering a series of escalating tragedies?”

  
  

Catastrophes are not normal worries. A typical worry might be, “What if it’s really hard living on my own again?” We can work with worries and find coping skills or solutions. Here’s how to differentiate normal worries from OCD catastrophes:

1. Catastrophes are unlikely. Have you ever heard of someone breaking up with their college sweetheart and then never finding another person, regretting it forever, and dying miserable and alone? Me neither. I’m not saying it hasn’t happened; it’s just unlikely.

2. Catastrophes, unlike worries, have no solutions. They are absolute in their bleakness. Predicting catastrophes can give us a sense of certainty, but at the high cost of feeling dark and dramatic.

   
   

This relentless uncertainty mixed with fear can shut down decision-making, leaving us in limbo. Unfortunately, that means our plans to leave get sidelined yet another day, week, or maybe even year.

Compulsions That Reinforce Staying

ROCD isn’t just about obsessive doubt and anxiety; it’s also about compulsions. Compulsions are actions we repeat in an attempt to reduce uncertainty and anxiety.

Common Compulsions Include:

• Checking feelings: Constantly scanning ourselves to see if we feel “in love” enough or if the dissatisfaction is “bad enough” to justify leaving.

• Reassurance-seeking: Asking friends, therapists, or even our partner if leaving “makes sense” or if the relationship is “good enough.”

• Mental reviewing: Replaying good memories to prove we shouldn’t leave or reviewing bad moments to justify that we should.

  
  

Because compulsions bring only temporary relief, it’s only a matter of time before the questioning begins again. Since leaving a relationship is a significant decision, any uncertainty can feel intolerable. The cycle of checking, reviewing, and seeking reassurance starts anew.

The Weight of Responsibility and Guilt

People with ROCD often carry intense guilt or a sense of responsibility about hurting their partner. Even when we know we aren’t happy, the idea of leaving might trigger fears of being a “bad” or “selfish” person. This aligns with findings on OCD, where an inflated sense of responsibility is common (Salkovskis, 1985). We might believe:

• “If I leave and they suffer, it’s my fault.”

• “If I leave, they won’t be okay.”

• “A good person/partner wouldn’t give up; if I leave, I’ve failed.”

  
  

An overactive conscience can tip us toward staying in the relationship, even when it conflicts with our truest desires. Instead of moving forward into the possibility of more fulfilling connections, we may remain caught in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere, reinforcing both the OCD spin cycle and the sense of being trapped.

Moving Toward Values-Based Decisions

If any of this resonates with you, remember: ROCD wants us to delay, doubt, and prioritize the search for certainty. But living our best, most meaningful life often means acting in line with our big, scary dreams, not in line with our OCD’s demands for safety.

Breaking up often comes with very real grief, loss, and disruption. Leaving a relationship is never easy, and it’s normal to have doubts. Here’s what OCD is hiding from you: you will get through it. You’ve probably survived worse. You will be okay. Heck, you will be more than okay.

Recognizing the ways in which ROCD might be whispering (or yelling) in your ear is often the first step toward getting unstuck. When we can treat OCD as OCD, we can start reclaiming our choices and making moves that feel aligned with the kind of person we want to be.

If you feel like you need help, therapy approaches like ACT and ERP can assist you in learning to tolerate uncertainty, make decisions based on personal values rather than fear, and build compassion for yourself in the process (Twohig & Abramowitz, 2018; Doron & Szepsenwol, 2015).

Conclusion: Embracing Your Journey

As we navigate the complexities of relationships and the impact of ROCD, it’s essential to approach ourselves with kindness and understanding. Remember, it’s okay to seek help and support along the way. You are not alone in this journey, and there are resources available to guide you through the process of healing and growth.

Sources:

• Salkovskis, P. M. (1985). "Obsessional-compulsive problems: A cognitive-behavioural analysis." Behaviour Research and Therapy, 23(5), 571–583.

• Read on ScienceDirect

• Doron, G., & Szepsenwol, O. (2015). "Relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD): A conceptual framework." Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, 7, 53–63.

• Read on ScienceDirect

• Twohig, M. P., & Abramowitz, J. S. (2018). "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Empirical Status and Clinical Applications." Current Psychiatry Reports, 20(9), 71.

• Read on SpringerLink