How Relationship OCD Can Keep You Stuck in a Relationship

Ending a relationship can be one of the most painful choices we make, even in situations where we’re fairly certain that things aren’t working. For people living with Relationship OCD (often called ROCD), this decision can be far more complicated.

ROCD is a subtype of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) marked by intrusive doubts, fears, and compulsions that revolve around one’s romantic relationships. Instead of clarifying feelings of dissatisfaction, ROCD tends to push us into cycles of uncertainty, over-analysis, and fear of making the “wrong” choices.

Even when someone gets the gnawing feeling deep down that the relationship is not a good fit, ROCD makes it extremely difficult to leave. Here are  some of the ways ROCD could be keeping you stuck in a relationship for too long.

Waiting for Certainty

Many clients describe the feeling that they can’t commit to a choice until they are 100% sure. But in relationships, no external source of certainty exists. No one can tell you with absolute certainty that your feelings are correct, or your desire to leave is ok, or that now is the optimal time for a breakup. (Hint: it’s never a perfect time for a breakup, so maybe stop waiting for it.) Seeking certainty is one way that ROCD keeps people stuck because certainty can’t be found. This means having to tolerate uncertainty – a skill that people with OCD can find  especially difficult.

The Trap of Endless Doubt

One of the hallmark features of ROCD is the constant doubt. As soon as one thought about breaking up enters  the chat, so do the dizzying counter-arguments.

These doubts don’t just come and go like casual thoughts; instead, they can feel constant, intrusive, and demanding of attention. You might feel certain that the relationship isn’t fulfilling, but the moment you begin to think about leaving, you’re hit with spikes of doubt:

• “What if this is just me being in a bad mood?”

• “What if I just haven’t tried hard enough?”

• “What if this is just a rough patch?”

  
  

Here’s how to identify the normal doubts from the OCD ones:

1.      OCD doubts never cease, no matter how you try to reason with them.

2.      They will actually double down until they get downright  gaslighty. That is because OCD doesn’t care about fairness or reasonableness, it only cares about instilling doubt. Here’s some examples.

•   “What if I just think I want to break up, but as soon as I do, I’ll regret it?”

• “What if I don’t actually want to break up, it just always feels like I do?”

• “Just because I think we should break up and feel like we should break up doesn’t actually mean we should, like, break up!”

  
  

And, just to add some power behind the doubts, in come the catastrophes:

• “What if I never find anyone else?”

• “What if I regret it forever?”

• “What if this messes up my life irreparably, triggering a series of escalating tragedies?”

Catastrophes are not normal worries. A normal worry might be, “What if it’s really hard living on my own again?” You can work with worries and find coping skills or solutions. Here’s how to parse the normal worries from OCD catastrophes:

1.      Catastrophes are unlikely. Have you ever heard of someone breaking up with their college sweetheart and then never finding another person, regretting it forever, and dying miserable and alone? Me neither. I’m not saying it hasn’t happened, it’s just unlikely.

2.      Catastrophes, unlike worries, have no solutions. They are absolute in their bleakness. Predicting catastrophes can bring us a sense of certainty, but the at the high cost of feeling dark and dramatic.

This relentless uncertainty mixed with fear can shut down decision-making, leaving you in limbo. Unfortunately, that means that your plans to leave get sidelined yet another day, week, or maybe year.

Compulsions That Reinforce Staying

ROCD is not just about obsessive doubt and anxiety—it’s also about compulsions. Compulsions are anything done repeatedly in the attempt to reduce uncertainty and anxiety.

Checking feelings: Constantly scanning yourself to see if you feel “in love” enough, or if the dissatisfaction is “bad enough” to justify leaving.

Reassurance-seeking: Asking friends, therapists, or even the partner if leaving “makes sense” or if the relationship is “good enough.”

Mental reviewing: Replaying good memories to prove you shouldn’t leave, or reviewing bad moments to prove that you should.

Because compulsions bring temporary relief at best, it’s only a matter of time before the questioning begins again.  And since leaving a relationship is a big decision, any uncertainty can feel intolerable. The cycle of checking, reviewing, and seeking reassurance begins again.

The Role of Responsibility and Guilt

People with ROCD often carry intense guilt or responsibility about hurting their partner. Even when you know you aren’t happy, the idea of leaving might trigger fears of being a “bad” or “selfish” person. This lines up with findings on OCD, where an inflated sense responsibility is common (Salkovskis, 1985). A person might believe:

• “If I leave and they suffer, it’s my fault.”

• “If I leave, they won’t be ok.”

• “A good person/partner wouldn’t give up; if I leave, I’ve failed.”

  
  

An overactive conscience can tip you toward staying in the relationship, even when it conflicts with your truest desires. Instead of moving forward into the possibility of more fulfilling connections, you might remain caught in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere, reinforcing both the OCD spin cycle and the sense of being trapped.

Moving Toward Values-Based Decisions

If you resonate with the above, remember: ROCD wants you to delay, doubt, and prioritize the search for certainty. But living your best, most meaningful life often means acting in line with your big scary dreams, not in line with your OCD’s demands for safety.

Breaking up often comes with very real grief, loss, and disruption. Leaving a relationship is never easy, and it’s normal to have doubts. And, here’s what OCD is hiding from you: you will get through it. You’ve probably survived worse. You will be ok. Heck, you will be more than ok.

Recognizing the ways in which ROCD might be whispering (or yelling) in your ear is often the first step toward getting unstuck. When you can treat OCD as OCD, you can start reclaiming your choices and making moves that feel aligned with the kind of person you want to be.

If you feel like you need help, therapy approaches like ACT and ERP can help you learn to tolerate uncertainty, make decisions based on personal values rather than fear, and build compassion for yourself in the process (Twohig & Abramowitz, 2018; Doron & Szepsenwol, 2015).

Sources:

·         Salkovskis, P. M. (1985). "Obsessional-compulsive problems: A cognitive-behavioural analysis." Behaviour Research and Therapy, 23(5), 571–583.

·         Read on ScienceDirect

·         Doron, G., & Szepsenwol, O. (2015). "Relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD): A conceptual framework." Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders, 7, 53–63.

·         Read on ScienceDirect

·         Twohig, M. P., & Abramowitz, J. S. (2018). "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Empirical Status and Clinical Applications." Current Psychiatry Reports, 20(9), 71.

·         Read on SpringerLink