Boundaries With Family Over the Holidays

What better time to get clear on where you end and others begin?

Having boundaries requires us to know where our literal boundaries are - knowing where we end, and where another person begins. You can think of it as a state of being: being a boundaried person.

When we have blurry boundaries, we can feel like we're in a foggy, confusing soup. Whose feelings are we feeling? What are we responsible for?

To make matters worse, when we have blurry boundaries, certain people will try to take advantage of our confusion. They might use guilt, passive aggression, acting helpless, and blame and shame. As a result, we might feel overly-responsible, chronically guilty, and on-edge as we try to anticipate these people's every mood and need.

If this sounds familiar, you might be spending some or all of your holidays with the very people who have "trained" you to have fuzzy boundaries. And, if you're reading this, you are probably on a journey of switching up your family-of-origin dynamics.

Let's explore how to have boundaries with family over the holidays.

Your Sphere of Influence

It can be helpful to think of your boundaries as a type of enclosure. In it are all of the things you can possibly control, influence, and be responsible for.

For a few examples:

• Your actions and words

• Taking care of your body and safety

• Taking care of your kids' wellbeing

• 1/2 of any adult relationship (you can only be responsible for your half)

Fine, you might be thinking. So what?

Next, let's think of a few things that fall outside of this enclosure. That is, the things that you cannot possibly control, and therefore you cannot possibly be responsible for:

• Other people's choices

• Other people's words or actions

• More than 1/2 of any adult relationships

I'll say it again because it is true: if we cannot possibly control something (even if we wanted to), then there is no way that we can be responsible for it.

Are you able to:

• Walk your dog - on the moon?

• Read someone's mind with telepathy?

• Save people from their own choices like Superman?

No? Then you cannot possibly be responsible for doing those things. Likewise, you can't be responsible for other adults' choices and behaviours.

For example:

• A family member becoming upset but won't discuss it with you. You can't read minds, and you can't repair the relationship unless they also want to - if their upset does indeed have anything to do with you.

• A family member saying hurtful, dismissive, derogatory things to you, about you, or about people or things that matter to you. Because they are an adult making choices that would logically hurt any relationship, it is not your responsibility to rescue them from the impact of these choices.

• A family member exclaiming "You don't care about this family at all!" as you are about to leave for your in-laws. You might be able to read between the lines and guess what this person wants, but this person hasn't actually asked for anything. They are hedging their bets that their outburst, and your enormous guilt, will cause you to drop everything and play Therapist & Detective to calm the upset.

You can make attempts to increase mutual understanding and empathy in these relationships, but you are only responsible for what you do and say - not what they do and say.

Boundaries are not about pushing people away - they're about dignity. They can make relationships healthier and more filled with love and respect.

One of the greatest dignities we can offer another person is when we see them as capable of being responsible for themselves. When we try to be responsible for others, we're operating on panic, guilt, and confusion - which can be confused for love.

What will you do these holidays with a little less guilt and obligation, and a little more clarity about where you end and other people begin?